Fun Luvin’ Corner
By: MU n’ Nez

Disclaimer: This article is written by two college students who have, at best, a tenuous grasp on reality. We claim no responsibility for any actions taken as a result of reading this advice, and in fact recommend – no, discourage, taking any action based on column. That said…let’s have at it.

MU: For this week’s column, being that it’s the first one, we had a definite problem.

Nez: Since this is the first article, naturally, we do not have any problems of yours to address. So, we’ll make up one of our own, loosely based on one of our friends.

MU: Loosely based on one of our friends?

Nez: Okay, loosely based on actual events.

MU: Are we even thinking about the same person…oh, you mean…

Nez: SHHH!!! You can’t say that on the internet.

MU: Oh, right. Bad form…

Nez: Well, anyway, on to business.

The Question

Dear MU n’ Nez,

First of all I would like to say I enjoy your material, and worship you as literary gods. I even have several candles set up as a small altar in my dorm room (which is against university regulations).

I’m in a real situation here. One of my friends just hooked up with this chick, and now that they’ve been going out for a few weeks, he’s totally under her thumb. He only has time to hang out with the rest of his friends when his girlfriend is at work, and sometimes not even then. How can I break the cycle of domination?

Sincerely,
PWed in the Midwest

PS I love you and want to bear your children.

MU: Umm…okay. Seriously, whoever wrote this, needs some counseling.

Nez: First of all, your friend is the one who’s PWed. Not you.

MU: Yeah…when’s the last time you got anything from his girlfriend?

Nez: What the hell’s your problem? You wouldn’t be complaining if you were in his position (any of them). That is, unless she was a total walrus.

MU: And even if she was…you know what they say. It’s like riding a tricycle, its fun until your friends see you doing it.

Nez: Tricycle? What the hell are you talking about? If you want to help this spineless bastard, here’s what ya do: get a posse of your friends together, and when you know that they’re in one of their rooms doing something slightly less and polite, do something even more impolite. Call all the pizza joints in town, and order a bunch pizza’s to their room.

MU: Or you can wait until they leave, after the dirty deed is done and pelt them with paintballs.

Nez: Or water weaponry…if compressed air weapons are outlawed in your neighborhood.

MU: And if you want to go with the “peaceful” approach, tie your friend up whenever he mentions that he wants to go to her place, and throw him in a closet for a few hours.

Nez: Or the trunk of your car, if the closet isn’t handy (or it happens to be full with more useful things, for instance, clothes).

MU: I’m sure those bumps will make him think.

Nez: Hopefully after a few hours of driving through the worst potholes in town, all he’ll want to do is go home, take some aspirin, and take a nap – minus his girlfriend.

MU: On the flip side, if she’s a total babe…

Nez: IF she’s a total babe, quit your freaking whining. Leave him alone and go hang out with all your other loser friends. Seriously, if your weren’t a loser or nerd you should be able to go out and get yer own babe.

MU: That was kinda mean…but I guess he’s right.

Nez: That’s all for now kids. Go away and do something productive with your life now that you’ve wasted five minutes of it.

MU: See you next month! Have fun and don’t kill anyone, that is, don’t get caught killing anyone.

If you have problems of a highly sensitive/personal nature with regard to relationships, or other “personal” stuff, feel free to email them to us at senior_wills@yahoo.com. If you’re lucky, maybe we’ll pick yours and rip on you for a few pages…I mean, help to solve your problem. Hypothetical situations are also welcome. Suitably entertaining ones may be chosen. This column is brought to you by: Natural Gas: It Gives You Some Ideas.